When I die, I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather did, in his sleep -- not screaming, like the passengers in his car.



Friendship is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings.

 

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

 

If a 50 year old man seriously "had a nickel for every time he heard that" It really couldnt accumulate to more than $67.42 even with intrest

 

Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.

 

Laurie got offended that I used the word "puke." But to me, that's what her dinner tasted like.

 

I definetley quit looking for work at my job

 

Why do you go “back and forth” to town if you really must go forth before you go back?

 

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm

 

even if your heart is full of HATE you still love to hate stupid people

 

Instead of trying to build newer and bigger weapons of destruction, we should be thinking about getting more use out of the ones we already have

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If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid looking in a mirror, because I bet that will really throw you into a panic.