When I die, I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather did, in his sleep -- not screaming, like the passengers in his car.



Friendship is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings.

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

If a 50 year old man seriously "had a nickel for every time he heard that" It really couldnt accumulate to more than $67.42 even with intrest

Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.

Laurie got offended that I used the word "puke." But to me, that's what her dinner tasted like.

I definetley quit looking for work at my job:da2:

Why do you go “back and forth” to town if you really must go forth before you go back?

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm

even if your heart is full of HATE you still love to hate stupid people

Instead of trying to build newer and bigger weapons of destruction, we should be thinking about getting more use out of the ones we already have

»»»»»»»»»»»««««««««««««
AutoMerged DoublePost
»»»»»»»»»»»««««««««««««

If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid looking in a mirror, because I bet that will really throw you into a panic.

you may see a glass as half empty or half full but i see it as somebody better get there A$$ back to work if they want a tip

If God dwells inside us like some people say, I sure hope He likes enchiladas, because that's what He's getting

if your best friend is sick as a dog in a porta-poty, drop a big rock down the vent, maybe seeing you smile when he comes out will make him feel better

It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man

If an atheist has to go to court, do they make him swear on the Bible?

Why is Charlie short for Charles if they are both the same number of letters?

If you were a genie and a person asked you this wish, "I wish you would not grant me this wish" what would you do?

I hope that someday we will be able to put away our fears and prejudices and just laugh at people.

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

Do coffins have lifetime guarantees?

I believe in making the world safe for our children, but not our children's children, because I don't think children should be having sex

If Hooters were to become a door-to-door service would they have to change
their name to Knockers?

If a man has no fingers, can he press charges?

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

Why isn't the word 'gullible' in the dictionary?

The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required to be
on it.

Sometimes life seems like a dream, especially when I look down and see that I forgot to put on my pants

The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the
bread.

»»»»»»»»»»»««««««««««««
AutoMerged DoublePost
»»»»»»»»»»»««««««««««««

The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.

Why do they call him a Skipper when he just stands there?

How thue it is!

What is the problem with people who ask sarcastic rhetorical questions

in some countries men sit to pee!
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

When technology advances enough to shrink cellular phones to the size of an actual cell, it would probably be a good idea to clone a bunch of them, because man, those things are going to be really easy to lose.

an alcoholic is just a drunk that's scared of a hangover.

Are children who act in rated 'R' movies allowed to see them?

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

Aren't the 'good things that come to those who wait' just the leftovers from the people that got there first?

If I ever decide to get into body piercing I think I'll ask them to use one of those big hole punchers. That way I could hang 3-ring binders from my chest and carry around recipes and things.

If you forget to pay for an exorcism, do you get repossessed?

Whoever came up with that "lift with your knees and not with your back" idea is an idiot. Everybody knows that when it comes to lifting, the best way to do it is with your HANDS.

Can you breathe out of your nose and mouth at the same time?

if cows could fly I would damn sure build a carwash