Joke Thread
#11
08-06-2008, 11:51 PM
this guy buys a restuarant. he is diiging in some of the old stuff that was left behind. he found a lamp and seen it had some writing on it. he rubbed the dust off it to see what it said and a genni popped out. the guy was ecited and asked if he got three wishes. the genni rplied this is the modern age. you only get one wish now. so the guy thinks a while. he said i got it. i want to be able to **** vodka. then puff and the genni was gone. the guy grabs a glass and goes into the bathroom. he pisses in the cup, looks at it, looks like vodka. smells it, smells like vodka. then takes a sip. thats da** good vodka. he takes the glass to his wife. wife sas i seen you take that empty glass into the bathroom. there is no way im taking a drink of that. he hands her the glass insisting its vodka. so she looks at it, looks like vodka. smells it, smells like vodka. takes a sip. thatas da** good voka. so she downs the rest. then hands the glass back to her husband. she tells him to go fill it back up. he looks at her and tells her no. your drinking out of the bottle tonight.
#12
08-07-2008, 08:21 AM
that one's hilarious, keep em comin guys
#13
08-07-2008, 09:53 AM
0-200 In 6 Sec's
Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was
really pissed.
She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"
The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke
up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box
gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.
Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought
the box back in the house.
She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Bob has been missing since Friday.
really pissed.
She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"
The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke
up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box
gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.
Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought
the box back in the house.
She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Bob has been missing since Friday.
#14
08-08-2008, 01:49 PM
Young Chuck moved to Texas and bought a donkey from a farmer for $100.00. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day.
The next day he drove up and said, 'Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the donkey died.'
Chuck replied, 'Well, then just give me my money back.'
The farmer said, 'Can't do that. I went and spent it already.'
Chuck said, 'Ok, then, just bring me the dead donkey.'
The farmer asked, 'What ya gonna do with him?
Chuck said, 'I'm going to raffle him off.'
The farmer said, 'You can't raffle off a dead donkey!'
Chuck said, 'Sure I can. Watch me... I just won't tell anybody he's dead.'
A month later, the farmer met up with Chuck and asked, 'What happened with that dead donkey?'
Chuck said, 'I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars a piece and made a profit of $898.00.'
The farmer said, 'Didn't anyone complain?'
Chuck said, 'Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back.'
Chuck now works for the Government.
The next day he drove up and said, 'Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the donkey died.'
Chuck replied, 'Well, then just give me my money back.'
The farmer said, 'Can't do that. I went and spent it already.'
Chuck said, 'Ok, then, just bring me the dead donkey.'
The farmer asked, 'What ya gonna do with him?
Chuck said, 'I'm going to raffle him off.'
The farmer said, 'You can't raffle off a dead donkey!'
Chuck said, 'Sure I can. Watch me... I just won't tell anybody he's dead.'
A month later, the farmer met up with Chuck and asked, 'What happened with that dead donkey?'
Chuck said, 'I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars a piece and made a profit of $898.00.'
The farmer said, 'Didn't anyone complain?'
Chuck said, 'Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back.'
Chuck now works for the Government.
#15
08-08-2008, 04:49 PM
Diesel Bomber
Teacher Arrested !
A public school teacher was arrested today at John F. Kennedy International Airport as he attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a set square, a slide rule, and a calculator. At a morning press conference, the Attorney General said he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-gebra movement. He did not identify the man, who has been charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.
"Al-gebra is a problem for us," the Attorney General said. "They desire solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in a search of absolute value. They use secret code names like 'x' and 'y' and refer to themselves as 'unknowns,' but we have determined they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country. As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, 'There are 3 sides to every triangle.'"
When asked to comment on the arrest, Senator Obama said, "If God had wanted us to have better Weapons of Math Instruction, he would have given us more fingers and toes." Democratic leaders told reporters they could not recall a more intelligent or profound statement by the Senator.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Walmart Greeter
Charley, a new retiree greeter at Walmart, just couldn't seem to get to
work on time. Every day he was 5, 10, sometimes 15 minutes late. But he
was a good worker, really tidy, clean shaven, sharp minded and a real
credit to the company and obviously demonstrating their "Older Person
Friendly" policies.
One day the boss was in a real quandary about how to deal with it.
Finally, he called him into the office for a talk. "Charley, I have to
tell you, I like your work ethic, you do a bang on job, but your being
late so often is quite bothersome."
"Yes, I know boss, and I am working on it."
"Well good, you are a team player. That's what I like to hear. It's odd
though, your coming in late. I know you're retired from the Armed
Forces.
What did they say if you came in late there?"
"They said, 'Good morning, General. Tea or coffee this morning, sir?
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Zoo
A biker is riding by the zoo, when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion's cage. Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the cuff of her jacket and tries to pull her inside, under the eyes of her screaming parents.
The biker jumps off his bike, runs to the cage and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch. Whimpering from the pain the lion jumps back letting go of the girl, and the biker brings her to her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly.
A reporter has seen the whole scene, and addressing the biker, says: “Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing I saw a man do in my whole life.”
The biker replies: “Why, it was nothing, really, the lion was behind bars. I just saw this little kid in danger, and acted as I felt right.”
”Well, I'll make sure this won't go unnoticed. I'm a journalist, you know, and tomorrow's papers will have this on the first page. What motorcycle do you ride?”
“A Harley Davidson”, was the biker’s response.
The journalist leaves.
The following morning the biker buys the paper to see if it indeed brings news of his actions, and reads, on first page:
”BIKER GANG MEMBER ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT AND STEALS HIS LUNCH.”
A public school teacher was arrested today at John F. Kennedy International Airport as he attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a set square, a slide rule, and a calculator. At a morning press conference, the Attorney General said he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-gebra movement. He did not identify the man, who has been charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.
"Al-gebra is a problem for us," the Attorney General said. "They desire solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in a search of absolute value. They use secret code names like 'x' and 'y' and refer to themselves as 'unknowns,' but we have determined they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country. As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, 'There are 3 sides to every triangle.'"
When asked to comment on the arrest, Senator Obama said, "If God had wanted us to have better Weapons of Math Instruction, he would have given us more fingers and toes." Democratic leaders told reporters they could not recall a more intelligent or profound statement by the Senator.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Walmart Greeter
Charley, a new retiree greeter at Walmart, just couldn't seem to get to
work on time. Every day he was 5, 10, sometimes 15 minutes late. But he
was a good worker, really tidy, clean shaven, sharp minded and a real
credit to the company and obviously demonstrating their "Older Person
Friendly" policies.
One day the boss was in a real quandary about how to deal with it.
Finally, he called him into the office for a talk. "Charley, I have to
tell you, I like your work ethic, you do a bang on job, but your being
late so often is quite bothersome."
"Yes, I know boss, and I am working on it."
"Well good, you are a team player. That's what I like to hear. It's odd
though, your coming in late. I know you're retired from the Armed
Forces.
What did they say if you came in late there?"
"They said, 'Good morning, General. Tea or coffee this morning, sir?
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Zoo
A biker is riding by the zoo, when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion's cage. Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the cuff of her jacket and tries to pull her inside, under the eyes of her screaming parents.
The biker jumps off his bike, runs to the cage and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch. Whimpering from the pain the lion jumps back letting go of the girl, and the biker brings her to her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly.
A reporter has seen the whole scene, and addressing the biker, says: “Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing I saw a man do in my whole life.”
The biker replies: “Why, it was nothing, really, the lion was behind bars. I just saw this little kid in danger, and acted as I felt right.”
”Well, I'll make sure this won't go unnoticed. I'm a journalist, you know, and tomorrow's papers will have this on the first page. What motorcycle do you ride?”
“A Harley Davidson”, was the biker’s response.
The journalist leaves.
The following morning the biker buys the paper to see if it indeed brings news of his actions, and reads, on first page:
”BIKER GANG MEMBER ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT AND STEALS HIS LUNCH.”
#16
08-09-2008, 12:15 AM
The Zoo
A biker is riding by the zoo, when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion's cage. Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the cuff of her jacket and tries to pull her inside, under the eyes of her screaming parents.
The biker jumps off his bike, runs to the cage and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch. Whimpering from the pain the lion jumps back letting go of the girl, and the biker brings her to her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly.
A reporter has seen the whole scene, and addressing the biker, says: “Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing I saw a man do in my whole life.”
The biker replies: “Why, it was nothing, really, the lion was behind bars. I just saw this little kid in danger, and acted as I felt right.”
”Well, I'll make sure this won't go unnoticed. I'm a journalist, you know, and tomorrow's papers will have this on the first page. What motorcycle do you ride?”
“A Harley Davidson”, was the biker’s response.
The journalist leaves.
The following morning the biker buys the paper to see if it indeed brings news of his actions, and reads, on first page:
”BIKER GANG MEMBER ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT AND STEALS HIS LUNCH.”
A biker is riding by the zoo, when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion's cage. Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the cuff of her jacket and tries to pull her inside, under the eyes of her screaming parents.
The biker jumps off his bike, runs to the cage and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch. Whimpering from the pain the lion jumps back letting go of the girl, and the biker brings her to her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly.
A reporter has seen the whole scene, and addressing the biker, says: “Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing I saw a man do in my whole life.”
The biker replies: “Why, it was nothing, really, the lion was behind bars. I just saw this little kid in danger, and acted as I felt right.”
”Well, I'll make sure this won't go unnoticed. I'm a journalist, you know, and tomorrow's papers will have this on the first page. What motorcycle do you ride?”
“A Harley Davidson”, was the biker’s response.
The journalist leaves.
The following morning the biker buys the paper to see if it indeed brings news of his actions, and reads, on first page:
”BIKER GANG MEMBER ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT AND STEALS HIS LUNCH.”
aint that the truth about reporters and news. take something good and turn it into bad. but that was funny as all get out
#17
08-09-2008, 04:14 AM
two friends were out at their cabin one of them went into the woods to take a leak and a rattlesnake lurched out and bit him on the end of his pecker he came back to the cabin screamin tellin his friend what happened, his friend called the doctor and asked him what they should do and the doctor said you need to cut a small X around the bite and suck the venom out, he hung up the phone and his friend ask what the doctor said and he said... the doctor said your gonna die.
#18
08-13-2008, 09:22 AM
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.
The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.
When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor.
Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you $800 to drop that towel.'
After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.
The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.
When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?'
'It was Bob the next door neighbor,' she replies.
'Great,' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?'
The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.
When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor.
Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you $800 to drop that towel.'
After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.
The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.
When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?'
'It was Bob the next door neighbor,' she replies.
'Great,' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?'
#19
11-03-2008, 08:15 AM
Diesel Bomber
New Joke
A Rabbi's wife was expecting a baby, so the Rabbi stood before the
congregation and asked for a raise. After much discussion, they passed a
rule that whenever the Rabbi's family expanded, so would his
paycheck.
After 6 children, this started to get expensive and the congregation
decided to hold another meeting to discuss the preacher's expanding salary.
A great deal of yelling and inner bickering ensued, as to how much the Rabbi's
additional children were costing them, and how much more it could potentially cost.
After listening to them for about an hour, the Rabbi rose from his chair
and spoke, 'Children are a gift from God, and we will take as many gifts
as He gives us. Silence fell on the congregation.
In the back a little old lady struggled to stand, and finally said in her
frail voice, 'Rain is also a gift from God, but when we get too much
of it, we wear rubbers.'
The entire congregation said, 'Amen.'
congregation and asked for a raise. After much discussion, they passed a
rule that whenever the Rabbi's family expanded, so would his
paycheck.
After 6 children, this started to get expensive and the congregation
decided to hold another meeting to discuss the preacher's expanding salary.
A great deal of yelling and inner bickering ensued, as to how much the Rabbi's
additional children were costing them, and how much more it could potentially cost.
After listening to them for about an hour, the Rabbi rose from his chair
and spoke, 'Children are a gift from God, and we will take as many gifts
as He gives us. Silence fell on the congregation.
In the back a little old lady struggled to stand, and finally said in her
frail voice, 'Rain is also a gift from God, but when we get too much
of it, we wear rubbers.'
The entire congregation said, 'Amen.'
#20
11-03-2008, 10:31 AM
Wal-mart Greeter Part Deux.
A Wal-mart greeter was standing by the door greeting everybody who came in. All of a sudden he spies a woman and her two kids coming towards him. The woman is loud, obnoxious, crude with a filthy mouth and smelled like she used rotten onions as deodorant. She walked in the door yelling obscenities at her two children.
"Good afternoon" He said. " Welcome to Wal-Mart. I can't help but noticing your two beautiful kids. Are they twins?"
"Hell no they aren't twins you idiot! Ones a boy and ten the other is a girl and twelve. Are you F**king blind? They don't look anything alike. What in the hell made you think they were twins?"
"No reason. I just couldn't imagine why anyone would sleep with you twice. Have a nice day!"
A Wal-mart greeter was standing by the door greeting everybody who came in. All of a sudden he spies a woman and her two kids coming towards him. The woman is loud, obnoxious, crude with a filthy mouth and smelled like she used rotten onions as deodorant. She walked in the door yelling obscenities at her two children.
"Good afternoon" He said. " Welcome to Wal-Mart. I can't help but noticing your two beautiful kids. Are they twins?"
"Hell no they aren't twins you idiot! Ones a boy and ten the other is a girl and twelve. Are you F**king blind? They don't look anything alike. What in the hell made you think they were twins?"
"No reason. I just couldn't imagine why anyone would sleep with you twice. Have a nice day!"
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