Voltage is 14V across battery as well as the alternator. What does that mean? Am I frying my battery? It drops to about 13.8V when off. My alarm is disconnected but still in there. I can wiggle it around and it makes my battery light come on. WTH?

 

Take off the battery pole connections and let it sit alone for 24 h- then measure again. This is your true battery voltage. Should be anywhere between 12.6 and 13.6 volt.
Your battery has to be charged with a higher voltage to accept charge(usually between 13.8V and 14.4V). Current can only flow if there is a voltage difference. You can't charge a battery with a equal or less voltage than the (12V)battery.
A higher voltage than 14.4V will lead to battery gassing which burns your battery to death with loss of water. So this has to be avoided.

So your alarm gets its power from somewhere else? Is it an aftermarket alarm? Pull the alarm fuse and try again.