Letter from Maricopa County Public Defender

First, let me say I love my job and it is a privilege to work for
my clients. I wish I could do more for them. That being said, there
are a few things that need to be discussed.

You have the right to remain silent. So SHUT THE HECK UP.
Those cops are completely serious when they say your statements can
and will be used against you. There's just no need to babble on like
it's a drink and dial session. They are just pretending to like you
and be interested in you.

When you come to court, consider your dress. If you're charged
with a DUI, don't wear a Budweiser shirt. If you have some
miscellaneous drug charge, think twice about clothing with a
marijuana leaf on it or a t-shirt with the "UniBonger" on it. Long
sleeves are very nice for covering tattoos and track marks. Try not
to be visibly drunk when you show up.

Consider bathing and brushing your teeth. This is just as a
courtesy to me who has to stand next to you in court. Smoking 5
generic cigarettes to cover up your bad breath is not the same as
brushing. Try not to cough and spit on me while you speak and
further transmit your strep, flu, and hepatitis A through Z.

I'm a lawyer, not your fairy godmother. I probably won't find
a loophole or technicality for you, so don't be pissed off. I didn't
beat up your girlfriend, steal that car, rob that liquor store, sell
that crystal meth, or rape that 13 year old. By the time we meet,
much of your fate has been sealed, so don't be too surprised by your
limited options and that I'm the one telling you about them.

Don't think you'll improve my interest in your case by yelling
at me, telling me I'm not doing anything for you, calling me a
public pretender or complaining to my supervisor. This does not
inspire me, it makes me hate you and want to work with you even
less.

It does not help if you leave me nine messages in 17 minutes.
Especially if you leave them all on Saturday night and early Sunday
morning. This just makes me want to stab you in the eye when we
finally meet.

For the guys: Don't think I'm amused when you flirt or offer
to "do me." You can't successfully rob a convenience store, forge a
signature, pawn stolen merchandise, get through a day without
drinking, control your temper, or talk your way out of a routine
traffic stop. I figure your performance in other areas is just as
spectacular, and the thought of your shriveled unwashed body near me
makes me want to kill you and then myself.

For the girls: I know your life is rougher than mine and you
have no resources. I'm not going to insult you by suggesting you
leave your abusive pimp/boyfriend, that you stop taking meth, or
that your stop stealing ****. I do wish you'd stop beating the crap
out of your kids and leaving your needles out for them to play with
because you aren't allowing them to have a life that is any better
than yours.

For the morons: Your second grade teacher was right - neatness
counts. Just clean up! When you rob the store, don't leave your
wallet. When you drive into the front of the bank, don't leave the
front license plate. When you rape/assault/rob a woman on the
street, don't leave behind your cell phone. After you abuse your
girlfriend, don't leave a note saying that you're sorry.

If you are being chased by the cops and you have dope in your
pocket - dump it. These cops are not geniuses. They are out of shape
and want to go to Krispy Kreme and most of all go home. They will
not scour the woods or the streets for your 2 grams of meth. But
they will check your pockets, idiot. 2 grams is not worth six months
of jail.

Don't be offended and say you were harassed because the
security was following you all over the store. Girl, you were
wearing an electronic ankle bracelet with your mini skirt. And you
were stealing. That's not harassment, that's good store security.

And those kids you churn out: how is it possible? You're out
there breeding like feral cats. What exactly is the attraction of
having sex with other meth addicts? You are lacking in the most
basic aspects of hygiene, deathly pale, greasy, grey-toothed,
twitchy and covered with open sores. How can you be having sex? You
make my baby-whoring crack head clients look positively radiant by
comparison.

"I didn't put it all the way in." Not a defense.

"All the money is gone now." Not a defense

"The bitch deserved it." Not a defense.

"But that dope was so stepped on, I barely got high." Not a
defense.

"She didn't look thirteen." Possibly a defense; it depends.

"She didn't look six." Never a defense, you just need to die.

For those rare clients that say thank-you, leave a voice mail,
send a card or flowers, you are very welcome. I keep them all, and
they keep me going more than my pitiful COLA increase.

For the idiots who ask me how I sleep at night: I sleep just
fine, thank you. There's nothing wrong with any of my clients that
could not have been fixed with money or the presence of at least one
caring adult in their lives. But that window has closed, and that
loss diminishes us all.

 

I used to live in Maricopa County. I'm pretty sure that Joe Arpaio deputizes any no-neck belligerent moron that can pass a mouth-swab test. They can get away with just about anything in Maricopa and they know it; likely the most culturally and systematically arrogant police force in the country.

 

How the crime rate while you were there.

 

I don't know statistically, anecdotally I know that there was plenty of it. I spent two years across two different colleges; crime always follows college kids around, only in Maricopa county braindead bulls with tasers also follow college kids around.

 

good speech but u forgot one thing...if u get pulled over for DWI refuse everything...better to spend an hour or 2 in the tank and detox before they check you than take a field sobriety and fail and have major problems..

personally i dont drink and drive but ive been to jail 4 times for suspected DWI because i refused field sobriety test and said that i will use the breathalizer or they can take blood...sounds bad but a 200 dollar impound fee and a couple hrs in jail is better than failing a sobriety test and getting something put on your record (my balance sucks so i can fail the test really easy)

 

In Florida not doing the sobriety get your licence gone for 6 months, but that's better than a year if your drunk.

 

texas says they take it away but some ppl have sued saying that forcing them to do field sobriety on the side of the road is dangerous bc of traffic and some other stuff so u can refuse

 

ya good point, is it really safe to have a drunk guy trying to pass this test while semi's are flying by i mean, a sober guy, ya, might be ok, but a drunk............ i never had any problems, being that my wife is big on not drinking, so i never had the "chance" to take a test......

 

one county here just made refusing to blow a tampering with evidence charge, just sent some guy to jail for a few months for it. personally i would rather go for a blood test. but not if it means i get that charge added in.

ohio fail breath test is a 6mo suspension
refuse to blow is a year instant suspension.

 

I've been pulled over a few times after 6:00 in the past couple years. As soon as the cop sees that I'm under 21 their eyes start to sparkle; they think that they have a DUI for sure. They don't ask if I've been drinking before they see my license, afterwards it's an instant sobriety test every time.

They must get a lot of sub-21 DUI's on a .001 BAC breathalyser reading. The 21-year drinking age is a ton of bull. But I don't drink anyways you blue-suited fools.