Things Begel1 might Say on a First Date:


'I know we just met and this might seem a little
sudden...but ah.....could I borrow five hundred
dollars?'

'Go ahead and Super Size; I found spare change in the
sofa today.'

'Something tells me that you're very special...but
with medication I can usually ignore it.'

'I don't see my ex-girlfriend that much... thanks to
the U.S. Department of Justice.'

'You don't mind if I clip my toe nails while we wait
for the Big Mac's, do you?'

'Not to be picky or anything.... but is that what you're wearing?'

THINGS NOT TO SAY DURING SEX

Hurry up, the game's about to start.

You're so much like your sister . . .

Your best friend does it much better.

Stop moaning, you sound so stupid.

Of course you can't be on top, you're too fat, you'll kill me!

 

"Don't you ever get tired of phatic communication? Isn't intimacy so much more beautiful?" This is more or less my stock pick-up line when a cute girl at the register says "thank you" or "have a nice day". They usually respond with something along the lines of "thank you" or "have a nice day".

"You are a limerent angel; your radiance is the sun in my sails." Women tend to enjoy the initial solar/ light/ heat metaphors that I am prone to reveling in. They also tend to tire of them quickly, especially when I play Mad-Libs with really esoteric and technical terms like "differential" and "limerence".

"You mean everything to me and will always mean everything to me, in this singular differential moment at least." I have a penchant for speaking sweeping superlatives, and I justify extreme feelings through Leibniz's philosophy of differentials applied to moments in time; usually I don't make myself clear when I do this and women think I'm really weird and geeky. When I do explain what I mean they know that I am weird and geeky. Even better are the women who do know what I'm talking about and realize that I'm not using half of these technical terms anything like they should be used because I really don't know what I'm talking about.

"This reminds me of the time that I put a bottle rocket through the ceiling in AP Physics class..." The bottle rocket in AP Physics class was my Al Bundy three-touchdowns-in-one-game moment. I wish I had pictures. I know they exist, but nobody ever sent them to me. Thanks alot, Nick Baddour. Hippie liberal Cal-Berkeley punk.

"Don't you think that Sarah McLachlan is the most beautiful woman on the planet? Well, you're on a different plane entirely, of course; perception of beauty dilates with proximity." Some women don't like to discuss how beautiful other women are, some of them do, some of them only like to discuss it some of the time. I like to discuss it all of the time. And although I am entirely sincere in the "perception of beauty dilating with proximity" part, when I say stuff like that women think I'm full of bullcrap.

"You remind me so much of my cousin." I've never said it exactly, but I do have an unnerving tendency to bring up my cousins in conversation. I have a collection of colorful cousins, half of whom are women I've had the hots on at one point or another. Not my fault.

"Hey, I'd like to talk with you some time."
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"Okay, take care, call me later." I had this exchange with a girl I knew after I followed her for fifteen minutes on a one-lane road waiting for a chance to get along side her.

"I'm just going to take you to somewhere remote, knock you unconscious, rape you and kill you." I actually said this to my ex-fiancee the first time we ever ditched school together. I occasionally delve into the heavily macabre, in poetry or daily conversation. A lot of women have absolutely no idea how to handle it; I expect intimacy to allow my streams of consciousness to flower, even the bizarre ones. I enjoy when women do the same.

"You complete my identity and vindicate every motivation my soul has ever felt. Your presence is proof that I am capable of being satisfied in life." I tend to say things like this after a few minutes of discussion about the weather, and I mean it, so women predictably recoil in horror.

 

 

 

whit jr next time yer gonna talk with a girl take triple your daily dose of meds

 

begle if you wanna get laid ever you better head to the nearest whorehouse and keep quiet because i doubt that evev the ons your gonna pay would be willing to listen to this stuff

 

 

There really isn't a woman on the planet who could be attracted to me, is there?

 

with enough drugs anything can happen

 

i think we should send him to the bunny ranch