Tool Definitions
#1
09-25-2009, 12:45 PM
Tool Definitions
DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock from your hands, smacking you in the chest, flinging your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted vertical stabilizer which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.
WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, "AW, SH^+!!"
SKILL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short. Used in conjunction with a tape measure.
PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: A tool normally used under a car, when changing oil, for punching thru the oil filter in order to wash your eyes out with hot20 sludge. Also used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads, thus preparing them for pliers.
STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool normally used for opening paint cans, but like its cousin the Phillips, is also used to prepare common slotted screws for pliers.
PLIERS: Often used for making blood-blisters, but primarily used to round off bolt and screw heads in preparation for vice-grips.
BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs. Can be used to produce fireworks when you turn it on and hold it over that cherished antique just as your wife walks into the garage.
HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle that transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion. the more you attempt to influence its course, the more crooked and unpredictable the motion becomes.
VISE-GRIPS: Often used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand, but primarily used after pliers to finish rounding off and/or removing bolt and screw heads in preparation for E-Z OUT.
WELDING GLOVES: Heavy duty leather gloves used to prolong the conduction of intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost exclusively for setting various objects in your shop on fire, such as the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race..
RADIAL ARM SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing the integrity of shop walls and garage doors.
E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: Tool used to finish the job started by screwdrivers, pliers, and vice-grips. the extractor bit is ten times harder than any known screw, bolt, or drill bit. It is designed to snap neatly off in the hole, thereby ending any possible future use.
BAND SAW: A large stationary power cutting tool primarily used to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can. Also does a much better job of removing fingerprints and calluses than the wire wheel.
TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.
PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.
CRAFTSMAN 24-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large pry bar that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end opposite the handle that could only fit screws used to join six-inch plate metal in aircraft carrier shipyards.
HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.
HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate thumbs and other more expensive objects that are adjacent to the object you are trying to hit.
TAPE MEASURE: A retractable measuring device that is graduated in inches.
Each inch mark has three variable positions on the tape; an accurate position and two others, each an inch to the left or right of the accurate position. This tool is used, in conjunction with the Skill saw, to turn the adage, "Measure twice, cut once," into "Measure six, cut three."
DAMMIT TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw out of the garage, across the street, and into the storm drain while yelling 'DAMMIT!' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the tool that you will need next.
yeah, old but good.. saw it up on another site and it made me laugh again so I felt the need to share.
WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, "AW, SH^+!!"
SKILL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short. Used in conjunction with a tape measure.
PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: A tool normally used under a car, when changing oil, for punching thru the oil filter in order to wash your eyes out with hot20 sludge. Also used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads, thus preparing them for pliers.
STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool normally used for opening paint cans, but like its cousin the Phillips, is also used to prepare common slotted screws for pliers.
PLIERS: Often used for making blood-blisters, but primarily used to round off bolt and screw heads in preparation for vice-grips.
BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs. Can be used to produce fireworks when you turn it on and hold it over that cherished antique just as your wife walks into the garage.
HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle that transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion. the more you attempt to influence its course, the more crooked and unpredictable the motion becomes.
VISE-GRIPS: Often used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand, but primarily used after pliers to finish rounding off and/or removing bolt and screw heads in preparation for E-Z OUT.
WELDING GLOVES: Heavy duty leather gloves used to prolong the conduction of intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost exclusively for setting various objects in your shop on fire, such as the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race..
RADIAL ARM SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing the integrity of shop walls and garage doors.
E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: Tool used to finish the job started by screwdrivers, pliers, and vice-grips. the extractor bit is ten times harder than any known screw, bolt, or drill bit. It is designed to snap neatly off in the hole, thereby ending any possible future use.
BAND SAW: A large stationary power cutting tool primarily used to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can. Also does a much better job of removing fingerprints and calluses than the wire wheel.
TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.
PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.
CRAFTSMAN 24-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large pry bar that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end opposite the handle that could only fit screws used to join six-inch plate metal in aircraft carrier shipyards.
HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.
HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate thumbs and other more expensive objects that are adjacent to the object you are trying to hit.
TAPE MEASURE: A retractable measuring device that is graduated in inches.
Each inch mark has three variable positions on the tape; an accurate position and two others, each an inch to the left or right of the accurate position. This tool is used, in conjunction with the Skill saw, to turn the adage, "Measure twice, cut once," into "Measure six, cut three."
DAMMIT TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw out of the garage, across the street, and into the storm drain while yelling 'DAMMIT!' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the tool that you will need next.
yeah, old but good.. saw it up on another site and it made me laugh again so I felt the need to share.
The following 3 users liked this post by Budgreen:
the engine hoist is so true...its almost not funny
#6
09-25-2009, 04:27 PM
, but like someone said, whatever you forgot to unhook , WILL NOT BREAK 
#9
09-28-2009, 06:12 PM
Diesel Bomber
I seem to have several sets of both Craftsman and Snap-On dammit tools.
