What are Grits??
#1
What are Grits??
What Are Grits?
Nobody knows. Some folks believe grits are grown on bushes and are
harvested by midgets by shaking the bushes after spreading sheets around
them. Many people feel that grits are made from ground up bits of white
corn. These are obviously lies spread by Communists and terrorists.
Nothing as good as a Grits can be made from corn.
The most recent research suggests that the mysterious Manna that
God rained down upon the Israelites during their time in the Sinai Desert
was most likely Grits.
Critics disagree, stating that there is no record of biscuits, butter, salt,
and red eye gravy raining down from the sky, and that God would not punish his people by forcing them to eat Grits without these key ingredients.
How Grits are Formed.
Grits are formed deep underground under intense heat and pressure. It takes over
1000 years to form a single Grit. Most of the world's grit mines are in South Carolina, and are guarded day and night by armed guards and pit bull dogs. Harvesting the Grit is a dangerous occupation, and many Grit miners lose their lives each year so that Grits can continue to be served morning after morning for breakfast (not that having Grits for lunch and dinner is out of the question).
Yankees have attempted to create a synthetic Grits. They call them Cream of Wheat.
As far as we can tell the key ingredients of Cream of Wheat are Elmer's Glue and shredded Styrofoam. These synthetic grits have also been shown to cause nausea,
and may leave you unable to have children.
Historical Grits
As we mentioned earlier, the first known mention of the Grits was by the
Ancient Israelites in the Sinai Desert. After that, the Grits was not heard
from for another 1000 years. Experts feel that the Grits was used during
this time only during secret religious ceremonies, and was kept from the
public due to it's rarity.
The next mention of the Grits was found amidst the ruins of the ancient city
of Pompeii in a woman's personal diary. The woman's name was Herculaneum Jemimaneus (Aunt Jemima to her friends.)
The 10 Commandments of Grits
I. Thou shalt not put syrup on thy Grits
II. Thou shalt not eat thy Grits with a spoon or knife
III. Thou shalt not eat Cream of Wheat and call it Grits, for this is blasphemy
IV. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbors Grits
V. Thou shalt use only Salt, Butter, and red eye gravy as toppings for thy Grits
VI Thou shalt not eat Instant Grits
VII. Thou shalt not put ketchup on thy Grits
VIII. Thou shalt not put margarine on thy Grits.
IX. Thou shalt not eat toast with thy Grits, only biscuits made from scratch .
X. Thou shalt eat grits on the Sabbath for this is manna from heaven.
How to Cook Grits
For one serving of Grits:
Boil 1.5 cups of water with salt and a little butter.
Add 5 TBsp of Grits.
Reduce to a simmer and allow the Grits to soak up all the water.
When a pencil stuck into the grits stands alone, it is done.
That's all there is to cooking grits.
How to make red eye gravy
Fry salt cured country ham in cast iron pan. Remove the ham when done and add coffee to the gravy and simmer for several minutes. Great on grits and biscuits.
How to Eat Grits
Immediately after removing your grits from the stove top, add a generous
portion of butter or red eye gravy. (WARNING: Do NOT use low-fat butter.)
The butter should cause the Grits to turn a wondrous shade of yellow.
(Hold a banana or a yellow rain slicker next to your Grits; if the colors
match, you have the correct amount of butter.)
In lieu of butter, pour a generous helping of red eye gravy on your grits.
Be sure to pour enough to have some left for sopping up with your biscuits.
Never, ever substitute canned or store bought biscuits for the real thing
because they caused cancer, rotten teeth and impotence.
Next, add salt. (NOTICE: The correct ration of Grit to Salt is 10:1
Therefore for every 10 grits, you should have 1 grain of salt.)
Now begin eating your grits.
Always use a fork, never a spoon, to eat Grits. Your grits should be thick
enough so they do not run through the tines of the fork.
The correct beverage to serve with Grits is black coffee.
DO NOT use cream or, heaven forbid, Skim Milk.
Your grits should never be eaten in a bowl because Yankees will think its
Cream of Wheat
Ways to Eat Leftover Grits:
(Leftover grits are extremely rare)
Spread them in the bottom of a casserole dish,
Cover and place them in the refrigerator overnight.
The Grits will congeal into a gelatinous mass.
Next morning, slice the Grits into squares and fry them in 1/2' of cooking
oil and butter until they turn a golden brown.
Many people are tempted to pour syrup onto Grits served this way. This is,
of course, unacceptable.
IRISH BLESSING BEFORE EATING GRITS
May the lord bless these grits,
May no Yankee ever get the recipe,
May I eat grits every day while living,
And may I die while eating grits.
AMEN
#5
Yea, we don't have that crap up here. When I saw it for the first time I was like WTF is that. Needless to say I passed on the grits and got extra bacon at the Waffle House I wish they had those around here though....
Grits explained - Grits is a Native American corn-based food common in the Southern United States, consisting of coarsely ground corn.
Grits are similar to other thick maize-based porridges from around the world such as polenta. It also has a resemblance to farina, a thinner porridge. Grits can be served hot or cold and as a base for a multitude of dishes from breakfast to dessert, depending on the additives. Additives can range from salt and butter, meats, vegetables, and sugar.
There your all learn-ed now...
Grits explained - Grits is a Native American corn-based food common in the Southern United States, consisting of coarsely ground corn.
Grits are similar to other thick maize-based porridges from around the world such as polenta. It also has a resemblance to farina, a thinner porridge. Grits can be served hot or cold and as a base for a multitude of dishes from breakfast to dessert, depending on the additives. Additives can range from salt and butter, meats, vegetables, and sugar.
There your all learn-ed now...
#6
#7
Grits are great for breakfast.
No self-righteous Southerner would eat grits at a Waffle House up north... those grits come in an envelope that you just add water to.
Real grits take 30-40 minutes to cook.
BTW, you know you are in the South when the waitress asks what kind of tea would you like to drink? ... Sweet or unsweet?
No self-righteous Southerner would eat grits at a Waffle House up north... those grits come in an envelope that you just add water to.
Real grits take 30-40 minutes to cook.
BTW, you know you are in the South when the waitress asks what kind of tea would you like to drink? ... Sweet or unsweet?
#9