The Post Office just recalled their latest stamps.
They had pictures of lawyers on them, and people couldn't figure out which side to spit on.

How can a pregnant woman tell that she's carrying a future lawyer?
She has an uncontrollable craving for baloney.

How does an attorney sleep?
First he lies on one side, and then he lies on the other.

How many lawyer jokes are there?
Only three. The rest are true stories.

How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
How many can you afford?

How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Three. One to climb the ladder, one to shake it, and one to sue the ladder company.

If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could save only one of them,
would you go to lunch or read the paper?

What did the lawyer name his daughter?
Sue.

What do you call 25 skydiving lawyers?
Skeet!

What do you call a lawyer gone bad?
Senator.

What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 50?
Your honor.

What do you throw to a drowning lawyer?
His partners.

What does a lawyer use for birth control?
His personality.

What happens when you cross a pig with a lawyer?
Nothing. There are some things a pig just won't do.

What's the difference between a lawyer and a vulture?
The lawyer gets frequent flyer miles.

What's another difference between a lawyer and a vulture?
Removable wing tips.

What's a third difference between a lawyer and a vulture?
A vulture waits until you're dead before they start picking your bones clean!

Why does California have the most lawyers in the country while New Jersey has the most toxic waste sites?
New Jersey got first choice.

What do you have when you've got 50 lawyers buried in sand up to their chins?
Not enough sand.

What's the difference between a lawyer and a prostitute?
A prostitute will stop screwing you after you've died.