Some jokes
#1
03-16-2007, 06:44 PM
Some jokes
Barry returned from a doctor's visit one day and told his wife Doreen that the doctor said he only had 24 hours to live. Wiping away her tears, he asked her to make love with him. Of course she agreed and they made passionate love.
6 hours later, Barry went to her again, and said, 'Honey, now I only have 18
hours left to live. Maybe we could make love again?'
Doreen agreed and again they made love.
Later, Barry was getting into bed when he realized he now had only 8 hours of life left. He touched Doreen's shoulder and said, 'Honey? Please, Just one more time before I die.'
She agreed, then afterward she rolled over and fell asleep.
Barry, however, heard the clock ticking in his head, and he tossed and turned until he was down to only 4 more hours. He tapped his wife on the shoulder to wake her up. 'Honey, I only have 4 hours left! Could we...?'
His wife sat up abruptly, turned to him and said, 'Listen Barry, I have to get up in the morning! You don't.'!
6 hours later, Barry went to her again, and said, 'Honey, now I only have 18
hours left to live. Maybe we could make love again?'
Doreen agreed and again they made love.
Later, Barry was getting into bed when he realized he now had only 8 hours of life left. He touched Doreen's shoulder and said, 'Honey? Please, Just one more time before I die.'
She agreed, then afterward she rolled over and fell asleep.
Barry, however, heard the clock ticking in his head, and he tossed and turned until he was down to only 4 more hours. He tapped his wife on the shoulder to wake her up. 'Honey, I only have 4 hours left! Could we...?'
His wife sat up abruptly, turned to him and said, 'Listen Barry, I have to get up in the morning! You don't.'!
#2
03-16-2007, 06:45 PM
A man riding his Harley was cruising along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."
The biker pulled over and said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want."
The Lord said, "Your request is materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking - the supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind."
The biker thought about it for a long time. "Lord, I wish that I and all men could understand our wives. I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says 'nothing's wrong', and how I can make a woman truly happy."
The Lord answered, "Would you like two lanes or four?"
The biker pulled over and said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want."
The Lord said, "Your request is materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking - the supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind."
The biker thought about it for a long time. "Lord, I wish that I and all men could understand our wives. I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says 'nothing's wrong', and how I can make a woman truly happy."
The Lord answered, "Would you like two lanes or four?"
#3
03-16-2007, 06:46 PM
Hillbilly Mirror
>
>After living in the remote wilderness of Kentucky all his life, an old
>hillbilly decided it was time to visit the big city.
>
>In one of the stores he picks up a mirror and looks in it. Not ever
>having seen one before, he remarked at the image staring back At him, "How
>about that! Here's a picture of my daddy."
>
>He bought the 'picture', but on the way home he remembered his wife,
>didn't like his father. So he hung it in the barn, and every morning
>before leaving for the fields, he would go there and look at it.
>
>His wife began to get suspicious of these many trips to the barn. One day
>after her husband left, she searched the barn and found the mirror.
>
>As she looked into the glass, she fumed, "So that's the ugly bitch he's
>runnin' around with."
>
>After living in the remote wilderness of Kentucky all his life, an old
>hillbilly decided it was time to visit the big city.
>
>In one of the stores he picks up a mirror and looks in it. Not ever
>having seen one before, he remarked at the image staring back At him, "How
>about that! Here's a picture of my daddy."
>
>He bought the 'picture', but on the way home he remembered his wife,
>didn't like his father. So he hung it in the barn, and every morning
>before leaving for the fields, he would go there and look at it.
>
>His wife began to get suspicious of these many trips to the barn. One day
>after her husband left, she searched the barn and found the mirror.
>
>As she looked into the glass, she fumed, "So that's the ugly bitch he's
>runnin' around with."
#4
03-16-2007, 06:47 PM
The Pasta Diet and Your Health
>
>
>
> ITALIAN PASTA DIET -- IT REALLY WORKS !!
>
>
> 1.. You walka pasta da bakery.
>
>
> 2.. You walka pasta da candy store.
>
>
> 3.. You walka pasta da Ice Cream shop.
>
>
> 4... You walka pasta da table and fridge.
>
>
> You will lose weight!
>
>
> And...
>
>
> For those of you who watch what you eat,
>
> here's the final word on nutrition and health.
>
> It's a relief to know the truth
>
> after all those conflicting
>
> nutritional studies.
>
>
> 1. The Japanese eat very little fat
>
> and suffer fewer heart attacks than
>
> Americans.
>
>
> 2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat
>
> and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
>
>
> 3. The Chinese drink very little red wine
>
> and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
>
>
> 4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine
>
> and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
>
>
> 5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and
>fats
>
> and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
>
>
> CONCLUSION
>
>
> Eat and drink what you like.
>
> Speaking English is apparently what kills you.
>
>
>
> ITALIAN PASTA DIET -- IT REALLY WORKS !!
>
>
> 1.. You walka pasta da bakery.
>
>
> 2.. You walka pasta da candy store.
>
>
> 3.. You walka pasta da Ice Cream shop.
>
>
> 4... You walka pasta da table and fridge.
>
>
> You will lose weight!
>
>
> And...
>
>
> For those of you who watch what you eat,
>
> here's the final word on nutrition and health.
>
> It's a relief to know the truth
>
> after all those conflicting
>
> nutritional studies.
>
>
> 1. The Japanese eat very little fat
>
> and suffer fewer heart attacks than
>
> Americans.
>
>
> 2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat
>
> and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
>
>
> 3. The Chinese drink very little red wine
>
> and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
>
>
> 4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine
>
> and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
>
>
> 5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and
>fats
>
> and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
>
>
> CONCLUSION
>
>
> Eat and drink what you like.
>
> Speaking English is apparently what kills you.
#5
03-16-2007, 06:58 PM
Diesel Bomber
Two women friends had gone for a girl's night out. Both were very faithful and loving wives, however, they had gotten over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezers. Incredibly drunk and walking home they needed to pee, so they stopped in the cemetery.
Neither one of them had anything to wipe with so she thought she would take off her panties and use them. Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties and did not want to ruin them. She was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she proceeded to wipe with that.
After the girls did their business they proceeded to go home.
The next day one of the women's husbands was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he phoned the other husband and said, "These girl nights have got to stop! I'm starting to suspect the worst.. my wife came home with no panties!!"
"That's nothing" said the other husband, "Mine came back with a card stuck to her donkey that said.....*'From all of us at the Fire Station. We'll never forget you.*'"
Thought it was funny.
Andy
Neither one of them had anything to wipe with so she thought she would take off her panties and use them. Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties and did not want to ruin them. She was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she proceeded to wipe with that.
After the girls did their business they proceeded to go home.
The next day one of the women's husbands was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he phoned the other husband and said, "These girl nights have got to stop! I'm starting to suspect the worst.. my wife came home with no panties!!"
"That's nothing" said the other husband, "Mine came back with a card stuck to her donkey that said.....*'From all of us at the Fire Station. We'll never forget you.*'"
Thought it was funny.
Andy
#6
03-16-2007, 06:58 PM
Diesel Bomber
Blonde joke.
Dear Diary,
Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with those expensive double pane energy-efficient kind. Then, this week I got a call from the contractor who installed them. He was complaining that the work had been completed a whole year ago and I still hadn't paid for them.
Now just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid. So, I told him just what his fast talking sales guy had told me last year....namely, that in ONE YEAR these windows would pay for themselves!
Helllooooo? It's been a year!
There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally just hung up.
He didn't call back. Bet he felt dumb!
Dear Diary,
Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with those expensive double pane energy-efficient kind. Then, this week I got a call from the contractor who installed them. He was complaining that the work had been completed a whole year ago and I still hadn't paid for them.
Now just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid. So, I told him just what his fast talking sales guy had told me last year....namely, that in ONE YEAR these windows would pay for themselves!
Helllooooo? It's been a year!
There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally just hung up.
He didn't call back. Bet he felt dumb!
#7
03-16-2007, 07:00 PM
Diesel Bomber
The founder of the Harley Davidson Motorcycle
Corporation, Arthur Davidson, died and went to heaven.
At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur, "You've been a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world.
Your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want in Heaven."
Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said,
"I want to hang out with God."
St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God.
God recognized Arthur and commented, "So you were the one who invented the Harley Davidson motorcycles, eh?"
Arthur said, "Yeah, that's me..."
God commented, "Well, what's the big deal about inventing something that's pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution, and can't run without a road?"
Arthur was embarrassed, but finally spoke, "Excuse me, but aren't you the inventor of woman?"
God said, "Ah, yes."
"Well," said Arthur, "Professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention:
There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusion.
It chatters constantly at high speeds. Most of therear ends are too soft and wobble too much.
The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust.
And the maintenance costs are outrageous!"
"Hmmmm, you may have some good points there," replied God, "hold on."
God went to his Celestial super-computer, typed ina few words and waited for the results.
The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.
"Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed,"
God said to Arthur, "but according to these numbers, more men are
riding my invention than yours."
Corporation, Arthur Davidson, died and went to heaven.
At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur, "You've been a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world.
Your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want in Heaven."
Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said,
"I want to hang out with God."
St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God.
God recognized Arthur and commented, "So you were the one who invented the Harley Davidson motorcycles, eh?"
Arthur said, "Yeah, that's me..."
God commented, "Well, what's the big deal about inventing something that's pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution, and can't run without a road?"
Arthur was embarrassed, but finally spoke, "Excuse me, but aren't you the inventor of woman?"
God said, "Ah, yes."
"Well," said Arthur, "Professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention:
There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusion.
It chatters constantly at high speeds. Most of therear ends are too soft and wobble too much.
The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust.
And the maintenance costs are outrageous!"
"Hmmmm, you may have some good points there," replied God, "hold on."
God went to his Celestial super-computer, typed ina few words and waited for the results.
The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.
"Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed,"
God said to Arthur, "but according to these numbers, more men are
riding my invention than yours."
#8
03-16-2007, 07:01 PM
Diesel Bomber
Hello?"
> "Hi honey.
> This is Daddy. Is Mommy near the phone?"
> "No Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul."
> After a brief pause,
> Daddy says, "But honey,you haven't got an Uncle Paul."
> "Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now."
> Brief Pause.
> "Uh, okay then,this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway."
> "Okay Daddy,just a minute."
> A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone.
> "I did it Daddy."
> And what happened honey?"he asked
> "Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on
> and ran around screaming.
> Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser
> and now she isn't moving at all!"
> "Oh my God!!!
> What about your Uncle Paul?"
> "He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too.
> He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool.
> But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water last week to clean it.
> He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead."
>
> ***Long Pause***
>
> ***Longer Pause***
>
> ***Even Longer Pause***
> Then Daddy says, "Swimming pool? Is this 486-5731?"
> "Hi honey.
> This is Daddy. Is Mommy near the phone?"
> "No Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul."
> After a brief pause,
> Daddy says, "But honey,you haven't got an Uncle Paul."
> "Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now."
> Brief Pause.
> "Uh, okay then,this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway."
> "Okay Daddy,just a minute."
> A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone.
> "I did it Daddy."
> And what happened honey?"he asked
> "Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on
> and ran around screaming.
> Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser
> and now she isn't moving at all!"
> "Oh my God!!!
> What about your Uncle Paul?"
> "He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too.
> He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool.
> But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water last week to clean it.
> He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead."
>
> ***Long Pause***
>
> ***Longer Pause***
>
> ***Even Longer Pause***
> Then Daddy says, "Swimming pool? Is this 486-5731?"
#9
03-16-2007, 07:02 PM
Diesel Bomber
The Sheriff in a small town walks out in the street and sees a blonde cowboy coming down the walk with nothing on but his cowboy hat, gun, and his boots, so he arrests him for indecent exposure.
As he is locking him up, he asks "Why in the world are you dressed like this?"
The Cowboy says, "Well it's like this Sheriff ... I was in the bar down the road and this pretty little red head asks me to go out to her motor home with her. So I did.
We go inside and she pulls off her top and asks me to pull off my shirt ...so I did. Then she pulls off her skirt and asks me to pull off my pants ...so I did. Then she pulls off her panties and asks me to pull off my shorts ... so I did.
Then she gets on the bed and looks at me kind of sexy and says, "Now go to town, cowboy..."
And here I am."
Son of a Gun, Blonde men do exist.
As he is locking him up, he asks "Why in the world are you dressed like this?"
The Cowboy says, "Well it's like this Sheriff ... I was in the bar down the road and this pretty little red head asks me to go out to her motor home with her. So I did.
We go inside and she pulls off her top and asks me to pull off my shirt ...so I did. Then she pulls off her skirt and asks me to pull off my pants ...so I did. Then she pulls off her panties and asks me to pull off my shorts ... so I did.
Then she gets on the bed and looks at me kind of sexy and says, "Now go to town, cowboy..."
And here I am."
Son of a Gun, Blonde men do exist.
