some of these are old and might be a repost.

Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you get a
headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle:

'Take two aspirin' and 'Keep away from children.'

--Author Unknown



'Everybody's got to believe in something.

I believe I'll have another beer.'

- W. C. Fields



'Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so?

There's a support group for that.

It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar.'

--Drew Carey



'The problem with the designated driver program, it's

not a desirable job, but if you ever get sucked into

doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night,

drop them off at the wrong house.'

--Jeff Foxworthy




'Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant??

I'm halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh

my.... I could be eating a slow learner.'

--Lynda Montgomery






'If life were fair, Elvis would be alive and all the

impersonators would be dead.'

--Johnny Carson




'My parents didn't want to move to Florida ,

but they turned sixty and that's the law.'

--Jerry Seinfeld






'Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a

member of Congress.. But I repeat myself.'

--Mark Twain






Do you know why they call it 'PMS'?

Because 'Mad Cow Disease' was taken.

--Unknown, presumed deceased






When I die, I want to die like my grandfather--who died

peacefully in his sleep.

Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.'

--Author Unknown

 

Good Ones !