Diesel Bombers - 10 simple rules for dating my daughter

Rule One:
If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be
delivering a package, because you're sure not picking
anything up.

Rule Two:

You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may
glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything
below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off
of my daughter's body, I will remove them.

Rule Three:
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of
your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they
appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take
this as an insult, but you and all of yourfriends are
complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded
about this issue, so I propose his compromise: You may
come to the door with your underwear showing and your
pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However,
in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact,
come off during the course of your date with my daughter,
I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers
securely in place to your waist.

Rule Four:
I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex
without utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can
kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am
the barrier, and I will kill you.

Rule Five:
It is usually understood that in order for us to get to
know each other, we should talk about sports, politics,
and other issues of the day.Please do not do this. The
only information I require from you is an indication of
when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my
house, and the only word I need from you on this
subject is "early."

Rule Six:
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many
opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me
as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once
you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue
to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If
you make her cry, I will make you cry.

Rule Seven:
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter
to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and
fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you
should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her
makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the
Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why
don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in
my car?

Rule Eight:
The following places are not appropriate for a date with
my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or
anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there
are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight.
Places where there is darkness. Places where there is
dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the
ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter
to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything
other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka -
zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or
sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which features
chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks
homes are better.

Rule Nine:
Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied,
balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues
relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless
god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going
and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth,
the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a
shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do
not trifle with me.

Rule Ten:
Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to
mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a
chopper coming in over a ricepaddy near Hanoi. When
my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head
frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to
bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the
driveway you should exit your car with both hands in
plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a
clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely
and early, then return to your car - there is no need for
you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is
mine.